


lol yourself

by mornen



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Auto Correct, Crack, Gen, Humor, I guess no one is leaving for Valinor, Light-Hearted, OOC, Old Fic, Silly Ideas, Technology AU, Texting, Wrestling, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23265385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mornen/pseuds/mornen
Summary: Legolas just doesn't get texting
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	1. Aragorn

**Author's Note:**

> old fic I'm bringing back because I'm trying to find anything funny I've ever written now :)

Legolas smiled gleefully down at his new cell phone. It was shiny, compact, very technological looking, and (most importantly) he could write messages to people on it, even if they were in the very same room. He glanced over at Aragorn and tapped out a quick message.

_Aragorn has long messy hair; Legolas has long beautiful hair._

‘There, that should irk him enough to respond,’ he thought, practically bouncing on his seat with excitement.

Aragorn looked down at his cell phone as a new message came in. Thoughtfully, he frowned.

‘What a strange message to receive,’ he mused to himself. ‘Especially if he’s sitting right there.’ He glanced to Legolas, who was staring down at the screen with great curiosity, and with a sigh wrote a quick response.

**aragorn's smart & handsome legolas is silly & annoying**

He rolled his eyes as he sent it, hoping that Legolas would get the point and leave off abusing his phone. But no, it was less than five seconds before the next message came in.

_Legolas has nice teeth. :)_

‘Where in the name of miscellaneous macaroni did he learn to use an emoticon?’ Aragorn wondered. He glanced at Legolas, who was giving him a most challenging look. He sighed again and sent him another message.

**legolas isn't showing them**

The elf frowned as he read it, and then smiled again. He gave a triumphant nod in Aragorn’s direction, and the new king checked the new message.

_Legolas would never show them to so irritating a man._

‘Of course,’ Aragorn thought, thumbs flying over his phone.

**which is why we are typing and not speaking?**

Two seconds.

_Right on, brother._

‘That’s weird,’ he reflected. ‘I’ve never heard him call me “brother” before.’ He decided to ask the elf about it.

**so, i'm irritating, but i'm still your bro?**

Legolas did not look in the least phased as he punched down a reply.

_Sure, why not? People are always complaining about their siblings._

Aragorn smiled to himself and shook his head.

**legolas, you are silly lmao**

There was a very long wait. In fact, after three minutes Aragorn was quite certain that Legolas had simply given up on the whole texting business and would leave him alone to read his book. How to Become the King of Gondor for Dummies was actually quite helpful and easy to read. It was the best present Gandalf had ever given him, he decided. But, it was not to be. Five minutes letter the next message came in.

_"lmao?"_

So that was it. He had been confused by the abbreviation. It figured.

**Legolas, you just don't get texting**

He could see the elf squirm on his seat across the room and make a quick face at the phone. And then:

_Eeek! Not texting!_

Three seconds.

_What is texting?_

He didn’t even know that? Aragorn turned a page in his book. There should be a chapter on how to deal with princes of the Wood Elves who had foolishly been given phones. The book would have been perfect then.

**it's what we are doing right now, silly. i'll give you a full definition asap**

Finally he got a verbal response from the prince. It was just a little snort, but it was something. Legolas, however, did not deign to answer him with words. He sent another text with a smirk and beamed at Aragorn.

_What? We are doing nothing of the sort. I'd never text; it's disgraceful. And anyway, I don't like sap; it gets stuck in my hair, and I can't get it out._

‘Sap?’ Aragorn said out loud, but Legolas did not answer him. He read it over a few times before he realized. ‘Right,’ he thought. ‘He really doesn’t understand abbreviations.’ He grinned.

**lol**

He could see Legolas look down at his screen. A strange expression of annoyance and curiosity had come across his fair face. He looked up at Aragorn for an answer, but the ranger had turned back to his book. With determination, he sent him another message.

_What in the world?_

Aragorn smiled and wrote down the response he had already been planning.

**i'm laughing at you :)**

Again he heard a little snort. And then a ‘hmph’. And then a strange noise that sounded remarkably like ‘kee.’ After that, he got a new message.

_This is disgusting. I hate you and all your nasty insults. lol yourself._

Aragorn bit back his laugh.

**darling, I wasn't insulting you lol means 'laughing out loud'**

There was another long silence. He could see Legolas out of the corner of his eye, glowering at the ceiling.

_What liar told you that?_

Aragorn actually couldn’t remember. He typed up a quick guess.

**um…elladan?**

Legolas relaxed. He liked Elladan. With a quick shake of his head he sent along his next message.

_Oh, in that case, fine. But I am not being called a sap and that's final, got it? And I want my definition._

Aragorn chuckled as he answered him.

**asap is NOT an insult either. it means 'as soon as possible.' icyww, lmao means 'laughing my ass off' and your definition is coming just as soon as I pull up wikipedia ;)**

Legolas paused, obviously contemplating if that was acceptable. He sent his next message with an irritated huff.

_Oh, I see, well, then why didn't you just say so? And what does 'icyww' mean?_

**it means 'in case you were wondering' icyww lol**


	2. Gimli

Gimli was not yet used to his new cell phone. In fact, he liked to pretend that it did not exist at all. So, when he got a text message on it, he felt very grumpy and looked down at it with irritation.

_Gimli?_

It was from Legolas, but it was just his name. How annoying. He grumpily wrote a grumpy response. The problem was, it did not sound grumpy when he texted it. It didn’t sound like anything at all, actually. He glared at the sent message.

**What?**

Not threatening at all. He cursed the phone liberally until a new message came in.

_This is Legolas._

He had already known that! Couldn’t the elf reserve phone use for emergencies like he did?

**So?**

Another useless message came in.

_Did you know it was me? :)_

Legolas should not be allowed a phone. No, no phone at all. He sighed and leaned against a tree; it was hopeless now, the silly thing wanted to chat.

**Actually, yes.**

Maybe that would hold him off. It didn’t give him any reason to answer. But, no, Legolas would not be deterred.

_How?! I am texting you. You should not know who it is… :(_

He was frowning? Ha! What a joke. Gimli’s irritation made him write a sarcastic response.

**I’m telepathic.**

Why couldn’t phones transmit sarcasm?

_Really?_

He would believe it. Gimli felt more irritated than he had felt since Gloin asked if was going to shave his beard now that he was an Elf-friend.

**No, you silly thing! It says who is texting.**

He hoped distantly for something that would show his anger and annoyance. Maybe there was… The next message broke off his musings.

_What does?_

What does what? Oh, what shows who’s texting. That elf should know!

**The bloody screen!!!**

There. There was no way he would not know he was angry now. But, Legolas never failed to surprise him.

_Gimli, have you been fighting again? Tsk-tsk-tsk…_

He didn’t get it, did he?

**Fighting? Fighting whom?**

Trust an elf to blame a dwarf.

_Éomer, of course._

But Éomer wasn’t even around. Trust an elf to think a dwarf could pick a fight with a man from leagues away. Then again, he could with his phone.

**No.**

If he answered that…

_Then why is your screen bloody?_

**It’s an expression, you dimwit! You’re the only one around here worth fighting anyway.**

Maybe Legolas would get the threat.

_Oh, Gimli, that’s so sweet… But as for the ‘dimwit’ part: I’m killing you._

Sweet? Gimli glared down at the phone. Great, a death threat. Typical.

**Where are you?**

_In a tree._  
_Over your head._  
_With a bow._  
_:)_

Gimli looked up at the tree over him. It seemed empty enough. Another bluff? He sighed and started to write.

**I don’t belie-**

And then bam! the dratted elf had dropped off the tree and knocked him down.

Gimli stared up at him.

'Are you going to kill me?'

Legolas smiled. 'Mhm!'

'Typical elf,' Gimli said.

Legolas laughed. 

'Too true!' 


	3. Frodo

Legolas put down his phone with a frown. This confounded new technology was definitely not all it was cracked up to be. He had just finished another blessed argument that had kept him up all night. Not that he needed the sleep, but that was simply a technicality. Legolas was not in a good mood.

Well, there was no use in moping about it, was there? He would put the blasted phone to good use! He’d…check up on someone!

_Hey Frodo,_   
_How are you, my dear?_

He smiled. He had been kind to the dear Hobbit.

**I am well, I geuss. whp is this?**

Oh-no! Frodo was not fully convinced that he was well. There might be something wrong there! But Legolas was sure to find out what.

_This is Legolas. :)_   
_Why do you guess?_   
_Is something wrong?_   
_Is something the matter?_   
_Are you gravely injured?_   
_Are you gravely ill?_   
_Are you suffering unimaginable injuries?_   
_Have you racked up too much of a cell phone bill?_

Legolas really could type fast when he wanted to.

**No, I jusdt have a head cold**   
**and my stomsch huets. How are you?**

Poor little Hobbit, worried about him when he was sick.

_I'm good._   
_I'm fine._   
_How did you get sick?_   
_Do your thumbs hurt yet?_

Legolas smiled. He could teach Frodo something! Frodo liked to learn. He’d teach him…a texting shortcut, and then the poor dear wouldn’t get a head cold from blundering about with enormous, gigantic words that forever entangled him in their ineluctable clutches.

_I hope you get better...lol_

There now Frodo would see it, and ask, and learn. Legolas really was a good soul at heart.

**Thumbs hurt? No, not yet. We just started texting...**

Blast! He hadn’t noticed. Either that or he already knew about it.

_My thumbs hurt. I was up all night in an argument with Haldir. Did you see the "lol"? I just learned the "lol" :)_

There was a long pause.

**Um, that's interetsing. Is that some kidn of seal...to end texts?**

_No, it means "laughing out loud" Elladan told Aragorn, and I'm telling you lol._

Legolas practically bounced on his seat.

**Great. So, um. wiat! Are you laughing at me!?!**

With a wicked smile, Legolas typed out a little joke. The “lol” would make it funny.

_Yep. :) Because you're sick.:) :) :) And Elves never get sick.:) :) :) lol ;)_

There was another even longer pause. And then:

**You horrible little elfling prince! I hopr you sprain your ankel and...get stuck in bramble brush that tears up your pretty clothes**

Legolas looked down at the phone in horror. Why would Frodo say something like that? The “lol” made everything all better. Hot tears flooded his bright eyes.

_I'll get stuck in your rose bushes. And then they'll...die! And then Sam's going to cry. And then you'll be sorry. Lol_

He sniffed.

**Get stuck in somenoe else's garden then....**

_No, I'll do it in yours. But I am not spraining my ankle._

Legolas held his head high bravely. If that’s what the Hobbit wanted from him, that’s what he’d get. But he wasn’t going to be limping.

Another pause. Frodo wasn’t too good at fast answers, was he?

**Forget it then. Your mombetory annoyince isn't worth the whining I'll get from Sam**

Legolas stared down at the screen. That sounded sort of like a joke. Had Frodo been joking with him? Was this a “mean joke” competition?

_So I win, right?_

**No, you don't win, becase I don't care. I am gonig to bed.**

Legolas frowned. This wasn’t like Frodo. Frodo wasn’t mean… He must just be upset over losing.

_No, I won. I really won._   
_Besides, it's morning. Why are you going to bed?_

A very, very long pause.

**I am sick, remebmer?**

Legolas sighed deeply. Frodo just didn’t get it, did he? Well, it wasn’t his fault if Frodo was behind in the great realm of technology. He smirked.

_Oh, right. You’re sick. lol :)_


	4. The Story Begins!

Legolas pulled his phone out, ready to send Elrond a message from his father! Thranduil wasn’t going to send it because he was busy, and he hadn’t quite figured out mobile phones. Legolas had, however, so he had volunteered.

He typed in Elrond’s number.

_Elrond?_

Nothing.

_Elrond?_

Still nothing.

_Elrond? Oh, Elrond!_

_...Elrond?_

_...Elrond?_

_Elrond? Elrond?_

_Answer me!_

No answer.

_ELROND!_

Legolas sighed. He hoped Elrond hadn't forgotten to charge his phone! Parents didn't seem to be good with technology.

_Please?_

He sat down and glared sullenly at the phone. Suddenly it buzzed a little. A text had come in!

**Yes hello?**

_Hi, it's Legolas! :) I'm writing to you. But it's called texting. Did you know that?_

Three little dots appeared. Thirty seconds later they were still there. Legolas sighed.

_…you're writing a lot._

The little dots remained, then disappeared. A text popped up.

**Well, yet. My sons gave me one of these bone things.**   
**I have bean trying to figure out how to wok it.**   
**Sorry, bone, not bone.**   
**Bone.**   
**I have a bone.**   
**A phoney**   
**Phooey**   
**Phyllo**   
**I have a phobia**

Legolas crinkled his nose at the texts. Elrond wasn’t making any sense.

_Oh? Have you figured it out yet? I know all about it. You have to write to people on the keyboard and send them smiles :) Did your sons teach you that?_

A pause.

**Why smiles? And how doe you shake them?**

Legolas beamed down at the phone. He was going to teach Elrond something new!

_Smiles mean that you like people! :) :) :)_

Another long pause.

**I'm confusticated.**

Legolas would help him!

_You have to use the colon : and the parentheses ) to make a smile. Like this :)_

**Oh, like this? :(**

Legolas frowned at the frown.

_No. :(_

_Like this! :)_

**Like geese? :)**   
**Goose.**   
**Gaslight.**

Legolas blinked. Elrond was messing up words all over, but at least he had the smiley down.

_Yes! :)_

**Oh, all fight, thank you.**   
**What did you want to talk about?**

Oh, that’s right, Legolas remembered. He had to invite Elrond over for dinner.

_My father has a message for you!_   
_He wants to know if you can make it to dinner on Friday night._

There was no response.

_Elrond?_

Nope.

_Elrond?_

Nothing.

_Did you go somewhere?_   
_Why aren't you answering?_

Still nothing. Legolas sighed. This was very frustrating. He needed a response for his father.

_Did you lose reception?_   
_Elrond!_   
_Ugh_

Something like this would just have to happen.

**Sorry, I'd live to comb.**   
**The signal heart is not vivid god.**   
**Hear**   
**Here**

Legolas sighed. Elrond really did have a penchant for messing words up, didn’t he? He decided it was best to ignore it.

_That's probably because you live in a valley. You might have to climb up the mountain to get a strong signal. lol. ;)_

**Yes, you are poorly bright about fat.**   
**And laughing out loud, I resume?**   
**Resume**   
**Sumo wrestling**

Legolas blinked. He was quite certain Elrond had just agreed to climb the mountain. Well, he was fairly certain about it. Quite certain was probably going overboard.

_You're going to climb the mountain?_   
_Really?_

**I guess I'll shave to if we wane to keep up this cat.**

Legolas ignored the funny words. The message behind them was too good to be true!

_You'll climb the mountain just so you can text me?_   
_That's the sweetest thing ever._   
_I love you._   
_You're amazing._   
_You're like the best uncle ever! :)_

There was no response.

Five minutes later there was still no response. Legolas wondered if Elrond had gone to climb the mountain. He sent another message.

_...you went out again._

Elrond finally responded, but with just one word.

**Uncle?**

Legolas wondered why that was surprising. He would have thought that Elrond being like an uncle to him would go without saying. After all, weren’t uncles the people that came over once in a while and said halfway funny things and then swung you around by your arms until you were delirious? Elrond used to do that to him all the time when he was little. Yes, Elrond was definitely his uncle.

_Yeah, I've always kind of thought of you as an uncle what with you seeing me growing up and your being friends with my dad and all._   
_Is that okay?_

**Yes, of course. That's very sweet of you.**

Legolas smiled with relief.

_Yay!:)_   
_...so...are you going to climb the mountain?_

**Well, do you have anything of grave impotent to slay?**

_...No...not really._   
_Except that I love you!_   
_Hugs!_

**Then I won't club the mountain**

That actually didn’t bother Legolas. It was fine if Elrond didn’t climb the mountain just to text him. He had already gotten his message through. He sent his response smiling.

_Okay._   
_I'll see you on Friday!_   
_squishy hugs!_

Elrond wrote back quickly this time.

**All right then.**

While Legolas was composing his response Elrohir walked into the room. He was visiting Legolas on ‘friendly business.’ That was all he had said about the matter, and all Legolas would likely ever know. 

Elrohir glanced over Legolas’s shoulder at the phone.

‘You’re texting my father?’ He raised an eyebrow. ‘Squishy hugs? Give me that.’

Elrohir tired to take the phone, but Legolas did not let him. Legolas grabbed him by the arm and pulled him down next to him. Then he jumped on top of him.

‘Hey!’ said Elrohir.

Legolas ignored him. Legolas was writing back to Elrond.

_I just pinned Elrohir!_

There was again no response.

_...you went out again?_

**Oh, I met it.**   
**And yes, the signal is flighty.**

Elrohir squirmed underneath Legolas. Legolas sat on his shoulders.

‘Uhg,’ Elrohir said. ‘You’d better let me up.’

Legolas wrote back to Elrond instead.

_Okay. I'd better let you go then._   
_Luv ya!_   
_warm squishy cuddle hugs!_

Five seconds.

**Good bye.**   
**I hug back. I break away from the hug**

Legolas looked down at the phone in indignation.

_...you don’t have to say that_

**Sorry. I don’t believe I pet it.**

Legolas sighed and adjusted his position as Elrohir squirmed again. He heard Elrohir mutter something about him being immature, which was utterly ridiculous.

_You should send hugs back! :)_   
_Oh, I almost forgot. The dinner’s at 7._

There was no response. His father would want to be sure Elrond knew the time. Legolas sighed.

_...maybe you should just build a house on the mountain and live there so you can text._   
_...Elrond?_   
_Elrond?_   
_Elrond!_   
_Answer me!_

Again nothing. Elrohir pushed Legolas off and sat up.

‘Imp,’ he said.

Legolas wrinkled his nose at him. He texted furiously.

_Uhg._   
_Fine._   
_I’ve got a sword to Elrohir’s throat so answer me!_   
_..._   
_These really aren't getting through to you, are they?_   
_The dinner is at 7._   
_SEVEN_   
_Okay?_

Finally a response.

**Thank-you.**

Legolas beamed.

_Yep!_

Elrohir looked down at the phone. He frowned. He snatched it away from Legolas.

_...ada don't you care about me?_   
_this is elrohir, btw_   
_fyi, he just said he had a sword to my throat_   
_and you're like thanks_   
_wtf?_

Legolas tried to get the phone back, but Elrohir held it away from him. The phone buzzed as a new text came in.

**Yes, yes, I car about you.**   
**I didn't blink he was being serious**

_...so you just trust him?_   
_this is because he gave you ‘squishy hugs’ isn’t it?_   
_like, i don't even know what to do about you tbh_   
_uhg, like, srsly_

Legolas once again reached for the phone. ‘Give it back!’

Elrohir jumped up. Legolas grabbed him from behind and tugged on him. They fell back down, Elrohir in Legolas’s lap.

**I am a parrot, you should not expect me to be gouda at texting.**   
**Parrot**   
**Pirate**   
**P A R E N T**

Legolas clawed for the phone. Elrohir held it above their heads and typed:

_tbpf i'm not even speaking to you_

**tbpf? Excurse me?**

_‘to be perfectly frank’ ada_

**I'm gong to bed.**

_fine._   
_night_   
_I have legolas at knife point_

‘Hey!’ Legolas exclaimed. He squeezed Elrohir hard and kicked at him.

The phone buzzed.

**Why are you hurting Legolas?**

Elrohir glared at it.

_ugh, srsly? you think i'd hurt him but not he hurt me?_

‘Give it to me!’ Legolas bit down on Elrohir’s shoulder. Elrohir fell backwards, crushing Legolas beneath him.

‘Hmph!’ Legolas said.

**Yes.**

Elrohir looked at the text and snorted.

_do you even love me?_

**Yes, of cause I dope, but I'm tried and the confection keeps banking, and I hark these key thongs.**

Elrohir stared at the text for a long time. Elrohir sighed.

_...go to bed_

_legolas is fine_

He rolled off Legolas.

**wood knight**

Legolas snatched the phone back and quickly wrote:

_I’m tucking you into bed with lots of happy kisses!!!!_   
_Good night!_

There that would make Elrond feel very loved!

‘Seriously?’ said Elrohir. He snatched the phone back and typed.

_yeah...that was legolas_


	5. Legolas Has Serious Questions That Really Ought to be Answered

Legolas was having a particularly good day. In fact, he couldn’t remember a day in the past four and a half decades that had been better. The weather was perfect – gentle sun over a blanket of perfect white snow, Gimli was behaving, and his father wasn’t freaking about the interior design that was so not right, salmon does not go with aquamarine, and, oh my god, don’t put that there!

Legolas was relaxing contentedly in his bubble bath. The water was nice and steamy, but not too hot; the bubbles were big and beautiful; and the scent of the bath salts was delicious.

Then his phone buzzed.

Legolas had left his phone in his bedroom, but he could still hear it. He ignored it, figuring that he would get back to them later.

But the phone buzzed again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Legolas fumed in the tub. Couldn’t whoever was texting get the message? He’d get back to them later.

Buzz.

He sloshed out of the tub, spun himself into his towel, and then stamped into his room.

Buzz.

Legolas snatched his phone up. There were thirty-five new messages. All from Mithrandir. All saying different variants of ‘Legolas, answer me, you fool.’ He wondered what the question had been and scrolled back until he came to the first message.

**What is Aragorn’s favourite flavour of gum. Answer me quickly!**

Legolas stared down at the text in confusion for a little while. The phone buzzed again.

**You’d better answer me, you dim-witted son of Thranduil!**

Legolas wondered why ‘son of Thranduil’ was an insult. He decided he’d rather not guess.

_I think he likes bubblegum. Why?_

**Finally! Take three ages, why don’t you?**   
**Bubblegum? Are you sure?**

Legolas stared down at the phone again. No, he wasn’t sure if bubblegum was Aragorn’s favourite gum flavour. He hadn’t even been aware that Aragorn had a favourite gum flavour.

_Um…reasonably certain. Why?_

**I’m just checking on something. Thank you for your time.**

Now Legolas was just bothered. He’d been perfectly happy and relaxed before, but now he had the crushing weight of worry about why on earth Mithrandir would wonder what sort of gum flavour Aragorn usually wanted.

_Checking on what? What are you checking on? Please tell me. I’m curious._

**That will be all for questions. Thank you.**

Legolas was not happy that that was all for questions. He pouted.

_But I want to know! :(_

**I do not care if you want to know, and I do not care about your punctuation faces. Good day.**

That was no fun. But no matter! Legolas would still find out.

_Tell me._   
_Please tell me. :(_   
_Mithrandir, you’ve got to tell me._   
_Please?_   
_I’m curious._   
_I’m dying of curiosity!_   
_I want to know._   
_Tell me._   
_Tell me._   
_Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!_   
_Please?_   
_I’ll knit you some mittens._   
_I’ll knit you wool socks._   
_I’ll knit you a beard cosy!_   
_Please? :(_   
_Gimli really likes his beard cosy!_   
_Mithrandir!!!! Please!!!!_

There was no answer. Legolas glared down at his phone. Now he was curious, frustrated, and cold. And his bath was probably cold too.

Sulking, Legolas put down his phone and marched back over to his bath. No, still warm. He got in. That was nice.

He closed his eyes.

But not as nice as before.

Curiosity was draining on him, draining life from his body like sap from a maple in sugar season.

Except curiosity did not drain sap from maples. Elves did that.

He sighed, wondering if there was any syrup left over from last season. It would taste simply marvellous on a stack of fresh, buttery, paper-thin crepes.

Ugh. Now he was curious, frustrated, and hungry. That dratted wizard!

Just then, Thranduil walked into the room. Since it was winter, he was wearing holly berries and mistletoe in his hair. Oh, and pinecones. He was carrying his phone and had that lost, forsaken look of a parent confused by technology.

‘Legolas, I need help,’ he said sadly.

Legolas, who had just about given up trying to enjoy his bath anyway, climbed out of the tub and grabbed his towel. Shivering, he hurried to his bedroom and wrapped himself up in his big, fluffy bathrobe. Then he sat down and took his father’s phone.

Thranduil sat down next to him.

‘What’s the problem?’ Legolas asked.

Thranduil pointed to the screen, which said: **fifing feet of slow preschool fur Immoral**

Of course it was a text from Elrond, who else could it be from?

Thranduil looked at his son with big, sad eyes. ‘I tried to call him, but he keeps breaking up.’

Of course Elrond was breaking up. Rivendell had the worst reception! Legolas started to scroll up through the messages to see if there was any way for him to figure out what the text meant, but Thranduil snatched the phone away.

‘Don’t do that.’

Legolas blinked. ‘Why not?’

‘It’s private.’

Legolas sighed. He did not see how his father and Elrond, who practically only talked about dinner courses, interior design, and the weather could possibly have any private messages between them.

Oh, of course! The weather.

‘He says that there’s either fifty feet, fifteen feet, or five feet of snow predicted for Imladris,’ he said. ‘Either way, the weather isn’t pretty in Rivendell.’

‘Oh,’ said Thranduil. He texted Elrond back very, very, very carefully: _POOR BABY…... STAY WARM_

‘Thank you,’ said Thranduil and kissed Legolas’s cheek before leaving. He was always kissing Legolas. The mistletoe in his hair more or less assured it.

Now Legolas was left with two vexing questions: why did Gandalf need to know Aragorn’s favourite gum flavour? and what private conversations did Thranduil and Elrond text each other?

Legolas laid out a new outfit as he began his plans to figure out the answer to both questions. By the time he was braiding his hair he had figured that the best way to get Gandalf to tell him what was going on would be to just text him and call him until he got annoyed enough to answer. And possibly to ask Aragorn or Arwen about it. As for his father, well, he’d just have to steal his phone.

Plans in place, Legolas tied off his braid with a ribbon and set out to sate his curiosity. He called Mithrandir, but he, unfortunately, did not pick up his phone. So he texted him instead.

_What are you trying to find out?_   
_Please tell me._   
_Gandalf, please?_   
_You’ve got to tell me._   
_I’ll turn Noldor on you and die of curiosity!_   
_I really will._   
_I’m not even kidding._   
_You’d better tell me right now, old man!_   
_I’ll tell my father on you!_   
_And Elrond!_   
_And Galadriel!_   
_I’m telling Aragorn you spy on him!_   
_Your hat looks funny._   
_Your hat looks funny._   
_Did I mention that your hat looks funny?_   
_Oh, Mithrandir, if you tell me what you are checking on, I’ll tell you what you are saved as on my contact list!_   
_I’ll send you an embarrassing selfie Elladan sent me last week!_   
_Please?_   
_You can’t ignore me._   
_You’ve got to tell me._   
_I’ll send you an embarrassing selfie that my father took!_   
_I swear I will!_   
_It makes him look like he’s got a double chin!_

Gandalf finally wrote back.

**Legolas, if you do not cease blowing up my phone, I shall block you. And if you tell Aragorn about this, I shall hunt you down, steal your phone, and post every single one of YOUR embarrassing double-chin selfies all over the entire Internet.**

Legolas was affronted. That was not nice at all. He was just glad he didn’t have any embarrassing double-chin selfies. He looked down at his phone, lip quivering. Tears filled his eyes, but he blinked them away. He was just going to have to be less direct. But he couldn’t text Aragorn…

So, he texted Arwen. She might know!

_Hi, Arwen. This is Legolas. I have a couple questions for you. ;)_

Oops. He had accidentally wink-smiled her instead of smile-smiled her. Now it looked like he was flirting! Elrohir had taught him all about flirting via text message, and this wink-smile in these circumstances did not look good at all. He was about to write again, explaining the mistake to her, but she wrote back too quickly.

**Okay, ask away. ;)**

Legolas stared down at his phone in shock and surprise. She had wink-smiled him back! He swallowed hard, uncertain as to how she should proceed. Finally he decided to just ignore it. Maybe wink-smiling wasn’t always flirting?

_What’s Aragorn’s favourite flavour of gum? And has he been doing anything that would make Mithrandir want to stalk him?_

**Aragorn doesn’t like gum. Never has. :/ And Mithrandir stalks a lot of people for a lot of reasons. Sometimes you don’t have to do anything, and he’s stalking you.**

_Well, he wanted to know about Aragorn’s favourite gum flavour. Because he was checking up on something. I don’t know what. :(_

**Hmm…I’ll ask Ada.**

Legolas sighed. This was going to take awhile. Getting Elrond to respond quickly was out of the question considering the reception in Rivendell. He guessed he’d just have to wait.


	6. Part II of Legolas Has Serious Questions That Really Ought to be Answered

Buzz.

Legolas blinked.

Buzz.

It was the middle of the night.

Buzz.

Legolas sat up. His phone was on vibrate and was currently trying to buzz itself off the nightstand. He grabbed at it sleepily.

It was Elladan.

**hey you up?**   
**bby?**   
**talk to me?**

Legolas brushed his unruly hair out of his face and sighed. Elladan was bored, and Legolas wasn’t going to get any answers to the pressing questions vexing him.

_I’m awake now :(_

**oh sorry bby did i wake you up?**

_Yes :(_

**who’s asleep at 3 am???**

_I am thank you very much_

**loser**

_It’s beauty sleep! That’s why I’m much more beautiful! :)_

**are not**

_Are too_

**are not**

_Stop_

**no**

_Stop_

**no**

_I’m IGNORING YOU_

_:)_

Legolas put down his phone.

Buzz.

Legolas lay down.

Buzz.

Legolas folded his hands.

Buzz.

Legolas sat back up, furious. Elladan was disturbing him for no reason! He needed plenty of sleep to plan his smart moves and find out what was going on with his father, Elrond, Mithrandir, and Aragorn. Elladan was ruining this.

Maybe he had been hired by Mithrandir!

The idea was not completely out of the question, but it was a disturbing thought indeed. Elladan was one of his best friends. Legolas did not like the idea of him being bought out by that meddlesome wizard.

He picked the phone up. No matter. There was a way to silence the preposterous phone.

He turned it around, looking for the silence button. He couldn’t find one.

How rude.

He dropped the phone onto his bed angrily.

Buzz.

Buzz.

Elladan wasn’t going to let him sleep. Legolas sighed and snatched up the phone.

**oh leggy you’re so fine**   
**you’re so fine you blow my mind**   
**hey leggy**   
**hey leggy**   
**oh leggy you’re so fine**

This was too much. Elladan was just writing nonsense.

_What do you want from me????_

**want to chat ;)**

Elladan had wink-smiled at him. Did that mean he was flirting? Legolas frowned suspiciously.

_Chat about what?_

**so leggy i’ve been thinking**

_Stop_

**stop what?**

_Calling me ‘leggy’_

**why? cute new nickname ;)**

_Not cute make it go away_

**no**

**leggy**

**leggy**

**legggggyyyyyyy**

_I hate you!_

**aww no you dont bby**

Legolas frowned. This was true. As annoying as Elladan was, he was also one of Legolas’s closest friends. What an embarrassment.

_I don’t like you. Good day._

**sure fine whatever**   
**did you hear about gandalf?**

_No_   
_?_

Legolas tried very hard to contain his curiosity. If he acted too interested Elladan would be evil and make him bribe him for the information; such was Elladan’s way.

**yeah he went haywire or some shit**   
**was shouting about bubble gum and fixing the breach**   
**idk**   
**he disappeared at dusk and no ones heard from him since**   
**kind of spooky or whatever**

_Fixing the breach??_

**idek**

_Wow_

**yeah**

Legolas shut his eyes, trying to think. Mithrandir had been acting like knowing Aragon’s favourite gum was a very serious matter, and now this! Something was up, and something was wrong.

_Is Aragorn okay?_

**idk havent seen him either**

Maybe Gandalf had taken him. Maybe they were trying to fix the breach with gum? What breach? Legolas was getting a headache. Maybe this is where the cell phones had come from. Something important was happening, and it was far too late at night and far too early in the morning to deal with it. 

**anyway ive gtg ttyl**   
**ilyk if anything comes up**   
**sorry about waking you**   
**love ya bby**

_It’s fine. Bye! :)_

Legolas frowned. It was like Mithrandir to disappear for days or even years at a time without warning, true, but there was something distinctly sinister about all this talk of bubble gum.


	7. Legolas Gets Answers

Legolas woke up to Thranduil brushing his hair back.

‘Legolas,’ he said. ‘Elrond’s over.’

Legolas sat up. He hadn’t remembered if Elrond was supposed to visit. Then he remembered! He was over for dinner!

Now Legolas could ask him about Gandalf and the bubblegum.

Elrond came in. He was wearing purple and had a cute little tiara on his head.

Legolas smiled at him even though his hair was a mess. He’d just woken up after all. He shook his head and his hair fell down perfectly. What a good thing he was an elf!

‘Elrond!’ he said. ‘What’s going on with Gandalf?’

‘Ah,’ Elrond said. ‘Gandalf found a breach in the space-time continuum. So, there’s a problem with the time aspect. Same space, different time.’

‘And why does he need to know about Aragorn’s favourite gum?’ Legolas pulled on his clothes quickly. Luckily he always laid out his outfit the night before.

‘Because the fastest way to close the breach is with gum. But you have to chew a lot.’ Elrond rubbed his chin thoughtfully. ‘A lot.’

‘Does that mean we can’t have our phones anymore?’ Legolas asked, wide-eyed. He didn’t want to lose his now main source of annoying, ahem, communicating with people. He’d become too used to it!

‘Well, we already have them,’ Elrond said. He ran his hand over his face. ‘I think this a very different timeline than the one I prepared for.’

Legolas looked down at his phone. He sighed. Aragorn had texted him.

**I don’t like gum. And I hate it now. I think I wore my jaw out.**

_But the breach is fixed????_

**Good as new.**

Legolas let out a sigh of relief. 

Wait.

A new breach would be an open breach, not closed. He frowned.

_What do you mean good as new????_

**I mean we’re getting smartphones now**  
**And you’ll need one**

Legolas frowned at the phone. He did not like that Aragorn had just insulted him. He tossed his hair. However, Aragorn could not see that. He hoped Aragorn would be able to see him toss his hair with the new ‘smart phones.’

Thranduil wrapped an arm around Elrond’s waist.

‘Who was it and what did they say?’

‘That we’re getting smartphones,’ Legolas said. ‘And I don’t think they’ve closed the breach.’

Elrond’s phone rang. He answered it.

‘Hi!’ Elrohir said on the other side.

‘Hello, dear,’ Elrond replied.

‘I’m with Estel and Gandalf,’ Elrohir said. ‘We have created a web of gum over the breach, so nothing should be able to get in now without getting stuck on it.’

‘Should have gotten some of these giant spiders here to do that,’ Elrond said.

Thranduil kissed his cheek.

‘You know they don’t listen to us,’ he said.

Legolas sighed and lay down on the bed again. He was quite tired from Elladan bothering him at night (if it had been Elladan and not Aragorn pretending to be Elladan ((Aragorn was usually the more annoying one.)))

‘I just can’t,’ he said. ‘How is the gum going to stop anything from going bad?’

‘Well,’ Elrond said. ‘Maybe no one wants to touch it? It is quite unsanitary.’

Legolas nodded glumly. He wouldn’t want to touch Aragorn’s old gum, so he got that.

‘Did Imladris get much snow?’ he asked Elrond.

Elrond nodded. ‘Quite a lot. Good skiing weather.’

Legolas nodded again. He wasn’t a great skier (he preferred snowboarding) but it did sound fun now.

Gandalf texted Legolas:

**status: nothing to worry about**

Well, Legolas would just have to be content with that. He stomped into the bathroom to wash up. He was stomping, so he realised he was still upset. But he didn’t know what he should do about it. He was Slightly Annoyed at having been left out of the great efforts to Stop the Breach.

He washed his face and listened absently to Elrond and his father discussing the interior design of his bedroom. In earshot. How rude.

He patted toner on his skin and then put on some tinted lip balm and just a bit of sparkly gold eyeliner. It looked nice and festive. He stomped out of the bathroom.

Still mad then.

‘Still glum, dear?’ Thranduil asked.

‘I know something that will cheer you up,’ Elrond said. He handed over a shiny new phone with a touchscreen and a HD camera. ‘Now you can make phone calls with picture.’

‘Video calls,’ Thranduil said. He looked very pleased with his knowledge.

‘FaceTime,’ Elrond said.

‘Shh,’ Thranduil said. ‘The time breach is still open. You might get sued.’

Legolas barely heard them. He was too busy taking selfies. Messing with the space-time continuum was very fun, he decided.

He sent a selfie to Elladan.

See? Hotter than you! 😈🔥

Two check marks popped up. Seen. But Elladan didn’t reply. Rude. Maybe it wasn't as fun as he had anticipated. But then a new message popped up from Elrohir:   
  
**you need to download instagram**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god this story was sooooooo old  
> but I can put emojis on ao3................


End file.
